Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
