im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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