I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Randomize
