sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
