I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
