I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
