my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
