one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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