my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just threw up on my dentist
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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