We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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