I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
