He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Vodka?
Forever.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
