I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Even my vagina gasped.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
