$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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