ADVERTISEMENT

• (315): View more from New York

  So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.

  Fav 46 1143 9974

  share tweet
  

• (515): View more from Iowa

  ...there is blood under my fingernails.

  (515): View more from Iowa

  ...I hope my roomates are okay.

  Fav 7 1248 3680

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (519): View more from Ontario

  Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.

  Fav 24 5429 1179

  share tweet
  

• (847): View more from Illinois

  If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen

  Fav 4 4081 1754

  share tweet
  

• (714): View more from California

  we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet

  Fav 12 4802 1737

  share tweet
  

• (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.

  Fav 5 2562 958

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (910): View more from North Carolina

  I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up

  Fav 4 2051 788

  share tweet
  

• (909): View more from California

  I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.

  Fav 10 1026 1437

  share tweet
  

• (330): View more from Ohio

  GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.

  Fav 11 2266 791

  share tweet
  

• (515): View more from Iowa

  So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport

  Fav 9 890 575

  share tweet
  

• (716): View more from New York

  Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO

  Fav 2 756 570

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (240): View more from Maryland

  I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.

  Fav 2 235 99

  share tweet
  

• (678): View more from Georgia

  I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.

  Fav 0 48 23

  share tweet
  

• (541): View more from Oregon

  We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.

  Fav 0 17 33

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (763): View more from Minnesota

  Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.

  Fav 0 215 22

  share tweet
  

Randomize