Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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