apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
