my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize