I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
