we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
