i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
