After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize