i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
