if i can run in heels then i can drive
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Will exercising make me less horny?
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