Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
