god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
