i used baking grease as lip gloss
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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