I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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