omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
