Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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