I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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