What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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