I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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