We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
