I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
