so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
