Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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