One girl and one boy is just not enough.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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