I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize