my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize
