Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
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