I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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