Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize