need another drink. this is the easiest way
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Vodka?
Forever.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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