Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
