Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
