Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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