I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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