i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
