I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
this just has baby written all over it
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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