She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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