the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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