lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
