Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
