Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
