Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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