it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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