I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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