What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my sisters under your porch take her home
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
